hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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