At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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