So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
