Umm I'm too high to move.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
