She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
