The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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