I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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