I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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