how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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