Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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