no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
