She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
