I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
