U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
