i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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