My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In America we eat man semen.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
