the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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