Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
