I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
