My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
