we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
