Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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