I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
