I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
