I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
