My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
