dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
