Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
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I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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