I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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