I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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