I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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