She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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