I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
