Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
