Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
