If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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