Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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