She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
