I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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