; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
