genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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