I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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