I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
