Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
