Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
