Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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