i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
