dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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