Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize