I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
