Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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