shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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