im gay
i know
yea but for you.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
